I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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