I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
