It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
