i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
