i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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