i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
