I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
