Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
