god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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