You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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