Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
