The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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