i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.