11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
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That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.