just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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