I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
