i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
