Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Still dying that you shit outside
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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