Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
