You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
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Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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