if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
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I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
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STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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