Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
