I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
