When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
