the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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