I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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