Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
