I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
