Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
