we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
