He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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