I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
