seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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