Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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