Apparently you make a good broom.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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