Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
