Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
