Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
