Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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