i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
