i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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