Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
