Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
