I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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