I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It's just like the Real World with babies
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
