Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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