I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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