my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
People with herpes should wear stickers.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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