So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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