Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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