Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
