no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat