Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
