I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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