Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
another moral hangover. fuck.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
