I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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