dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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