Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
