so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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