so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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