He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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